One Star Review Thursday XVI

Did you see that Disney released some teaser footage of the next Star Wars film coming to theaters later this year? I’m assuming you did, and I’m going to assume you’re a big fan of the series. I’m assuming all of this because I wanted to look at one-star reviews of the highest rated film in the series, according to IMDb, and figure everyone else does too.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, is one of the highest grossing films to have ever existed. The film sparked one of the largest series of films to have ever been made, with billions of fans (don’t quote me on that). Since it is so famous, that always means there are those that have to hate it. You can’t please everyone, and I like that because then I get to do this blog.

Alex Dele on Film

Mindless Mental Masturbation for Cinema Retards only

This review originally appeared in the Korea Herald, in 1978 under the headline STAR WARS comes to Korea.

“Star Wars”, I am sad to say, is such a piece of dreck that it is hardly worth talking about, but since it’s my job to discuss films of all types I will add a few words to the mounds of hyperbole that have preceded its arrival. Three words say it all; mindless mental masturbation — from beginning to end with a plot and devices geared to the mind of a pre-school child this all-time turkey has no redeeming features whatsoever — unless things like dueling with neon tubes can be deemed redeeming. The most interesting scene in the movie takes place in a barroom with ugly spacelings of every ilk including a shaggy reject from Planet of the Apes, slobbering in their Makkoli (cheap Korean joy juice similar to pulque) — but even this scene is interesting only for its grotesqueness. The much-vaunted special effects, the clunky space vehicles and the robots who ride them, are literally ridiculous. The Korean audience I watched it with applauded politely at the end when the main goodie finally got the main baddie, but it had neither the spontaneity nor the zest of the earlier applause at “Jaws”. (I saw both the same day). It is hard to account for the phenomenal international success of this film and I will refrain from theorizing on this subject beyond observing that far more people go for McDonald’s hamburgers than for chateaubriand. What is strange here is that so many people are willing to pay the box office equivalent of chateaubriand prices for the movie equivalent of McDonald’s leftovers.


Yee-hah! – Ride ’em, spaceboy!

How do you hypnotize millions of film-goers into a quasi-psychotic state in which they honestly believe that have seen something, when they are just watching high-school kids masturbate? George Lucas seems to have that down to an art. I think he does it by rewriting every cliché in the book so that they all seem to have come out-takes from “The Wizard of OZ”.

This is definitely aimed primarily at the Mid-West US – listen to these voices – rather like hearing Johnny Carson make a serious pitch for the Jerry lewis Telethon. And these supposedly “weird” other worlds look an awful lot like Missouri and Oklahoma. And the big spacecraft – isn’t that some Ford factory they closed down in Minnesota a few years back? What’s alarming here is the sad lack of imagination. Really, you need to have taken too much meth and stayed up one night too many to be able to appreciate this film – to allow Lucas and co. convince you that there’s a film to watch here.

An old Republic matinée western remade as a Saturday morning cartoon by/for survivors of one acid trip too many – or too few.

Save your sanity; find something real to do.

Suburban Pineapple

It’s a scary world of Gay Robots, Phallic Slugs the ultimate metaphor for aids: The force

We thought we’d start with at the beginning with few of the best things from Star Wars A new hope: Sand people attack, The force, Luke’s first ‘lightsaber’, The Millennium Falcon, Han kills ‘Greedo’, Jabba the ‘hut’, Men in white plastic armour, Obi-wan Kenobi, Gay robots, Darth Vader ‘Dark Father’, The Dagobah system, “Who’s the more foolish: The fool, or the fool who follows him?”, The death star, Wookies.

If you agree with our comprehensive list of the ‘best’ bits of George Lucas’ ‘Space Opera’ we ask simply this: What is wrong with you? Just take a quick glance at the list above Greedo? Jabba the Hut? Who in their right mind comes up with this stuff? Therefore our argument boils down to this: George Lucas is insane, his films reflect his mental state. Its a scary world of Gay Robots, Phallic Slugs the ultimate metaphor for aids: the force.

It’s not even as if this insanity is presented through good direction, great acting, stunning music and outstanding CGI, that would be OK. But it just isn’t. The weak, clichéd and teenage male sexual fantasy plot provides the rotten structure that the entire saga is based around, it’s cheesy, poorly written tripe coupled with a sci-fi backdrop. Only in a George Lucas’ crazy little world can a line like: “I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home” make any sort of sense. Bad news George it doesn’t translate well out of your crazy little head. The hype born from the fact that this mess of a film was another ‘first’ of its generation continues to boost the movie up to seemingly everyone’s top ten list, don’t believe this hype. Yet again this film is overrated, shockingly bad interstellar feces.

I guess I never realized the alien worlds looked like Missouri and Oklahoma, but maybe I have poor vision. These reviews have opened my mind to a new way of looking at the saga (they haven’t), and these individuals certainly are good critics (I don’t think so).

Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you for next weeks one-star review.



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