One Star Review Thursday XII

I can distinctly remember one of the classic stocking stuffers of my childhood, gummy candy. The specific candy that I am thinking of is Haribo gummy bears, some of the most succulent candies in my young, stuff-your-fucking-face, sugar crazed years. Biting into the gummies with your molars and feeling the sugar burn as it wedged its way between your teeth and instantly melted and slid down your esophagus was pure ecstasy. Now, mind you that the sugar free bears are not nearly as good as the O.G. sugar filled bears, in my opinion. Having said that, this week we are going to jump right into it, with a little more effort than Villanova put forth in its’ last game. Yes, I’m salty about Villanovas loss, and yes this week is about Sugar free Haribo gummy bears.

“See you in hell, Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears”
“It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade.
After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep.
My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck.
And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free.
“What a deal!” I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards.
As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus.
I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam.
“I’ll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?”
The demon bears hadn’t released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs.
After the students wise enough to take the professor’s offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened.
It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse.
By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears’ burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm’s Deep. I knew I wouldn’t be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach.
I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads.
At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief.
I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat.
It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag’s worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life.
After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears.
I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears
belong are buried deep below the Earth’s surface.”

“They said only true “Sugarless” ones cause intestinal problems. They lied.”
“Supposedly the Sugarless Haribo Gummy Bears were supposed to cause major stomach/intestinal/colon agony. Not these regular ones. They lied. I ate some of these last night, probably more than I should. Nothing happened. Until this morning. My stomach started rolling and complaint and grumbling and tightening and cramping. I ran for the bathroom. For HOURS I could not leave the bathroom for more than 5 mins at a time. I have a splint on my wrist and I was sweating so profusely that even it was soaked in sweat. The waves of cramping might be close to childbirth contractions. I was also blacking out and was pretty sure I had a major fever as the sweat continued. Everytime I hurried to the bathroom, I took my mobile phone in case I needed to call for help. I was scared and I was also extremely mad because their Sugarless ones were supposed to cause this hell, not these regular ones. The gas that I had was like nothing I have experienced before. It was violent, explosive, and unbelievably loud, not to mention painful. The diarrhea just kept coming with cramps and noises that only a very tormented body could create. This went on for HOURS. Every time I tried to rest, I was just snuggling down in the bed when my body would scream for me to run to the bathroom again. Tonight, it is more than 24 hours since I ate those evil bears, I’ve had 2 pieces of toast, one bottle of water, and my stomach and intestines are still rumbling, complaining, and sore. Let’s not forget the raw soreness of my bottom from a day’s worth of violent diarrhea and gas. Those bears are going in the trash, and I’d really like to know why I suffered the same hell as those who had the Sugarless Haribo Bears!?! I’m still passing lots of gas (GasX helped for a while) and still have some diarrhea (not moving and/or Immodium seemed to help for a bit). So buyer be warned, these are not Sugarless, according to packaging and this site, but they may has well have for all the pure, scary, painful hell I have been through. I’m pretty sure that food poisoning may be less traumatic than these frickin bears! I’m will never buy Haribo anything, ever again. Nothing is worth today’s experience.”

To wrap it up, a five star review for a bit of chaser after having to read through two posts literally about shit (I know, breaking the rules. But isn’t that what rules are for?)
“Customers Who Bought This Item…”
According to Amazon, ‘Customers who bought this item also bought a 90-pack of Charmin extra soft toilet tissue'”
I can honestly say the only episode I’ve had similar to those was food poisoning. In fact, my food poisoning experience was eerily similar to HariboIsEvil’s. Never did I have an experience like those mentioned above with Haribo bears, who are still pure in my mind. Until next week, don’t forget that the REAL sugar-filled Haribo bears may be the way to go.

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