Screw the hotel reviews. Forget the bad restaurants. This week One Star Review is switching it up. I know everyone likes shirts with wolves howling at the moon. It shows that Grizzly Adams in us all that wants to grab a Moose by the antlers and ride through the Rockies like our forefathers wanted us to do.
This week we bring reviews of those who were smart enough to make this investment in clothing everyone at the local watering hole will talk about.
Tres Lobo Luna
“I’m from a small trailer park in Alaska and live off the land; hunting moose for food when I lose enough weight to see my feet and scrounging icicles off the back of pickups to drink when the Coors runs out.
Normally a shirt like this would be right up my alley. It shows people that I’m a devilishly handsome looker that runs with a pack (I bought all my homies matching shirts) that has my back as long as they’re not passed out on the futon. This shirt, however, has severely impacted my subsistence lifestyle.
Come hunting season I usually go out with my buddies, my Remington 7mm, and as much Coors as the boat has room for, and sail out to a little cabin (yes, it’s a sailboat until my mom decides to fix the motor). My bros and I usually hang out, down a couple brewskis, and shoot at anything that moves. Normally I don’t get much(okay, I’ve never actually got anything) but directly after donning the three wolf moon shirt, moose began approaching my cabin from all directions and dropping dead at my feet. Because of this, I’ve been too busy butchering moose to slam down any Coors and my bros (they don’t like work) left when the first moose fell. I write this, rendered helpless at my cabin (okay, my mom’s cabin), to warn all TRUE hunters to beware the power of the three wolf moon shirt. This shirt ruins the hunting experience.”
Tres wasn’t the only one that had such an experience.
“I made a critical error in my ordering of the three wolf moon shirt. I ordered two. No one can understand the power and havoc that they have wrecked. When I opened the box that they were shipped in I was knocked unconscious by a wave of energy that I can only describe as the two moons on the two shirts pulling the blood in my veins to opposite sides of my body like the ocean tides.
I was knocked out cold. I woke up with no electricity in the house and was extremely dehydrated, thank goodness for my backup gallon of Tucson whole milk that I keep behind my collection of Donny and Marie Osmond records. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness I felt ok and noticed the shirts were defective. One had only two wolves and the other had four.
I started looking for a flashlight and when I returned to the shirts, one shirt had one wolf and the other had five. I crapped myself and passed out. When I woke up three days later I felt like a pack of wolves ran over my entire body with stiletto heels, and I threw up my milk. Both shirts had three wolves. they have been separated. I am giving one to a friend and we will not wear them together. I hope I get a chance to feel the true power of the three wolf moon shirt when I get the courage.”
I was thinking of purchasing this shirt, but after these reviews, I fear for the safety of all. Dodged a bullet there. Until next time…